Getting Babies out of Bellies

This post is not for the squeamish. Like me. I am a total immature squeamish child about stuff like this. So picture me blushing and typing because that is exactly what is happening.

I was standing in the kitchen minding my business. To be specific I was emptying the dishwasher, making hamburgers, and daydreaming about laying on the beach doing nothing.

All of a sudden a tiny voice rocks my world.

"Hey Mom...how do babies get out of bellies?"

I dropped the spatula and thoughts of how I was going to answer this innocent question were spinning so fast  but in a slow motion sort of way in my brain. No...I'm not ready for this! I figured I had more time! You know what I mean....? 

I stammered and tried to buy some more time.

"Um...what honey?"

"Babies. How. Do. They. Get. OUT?" Little Dude basically could have said, "Did I stutter?"

"Well...sometimes they cut them out."  WHAT? NO! Why would I say that?? 


Little Dude's eyes got HUGE. And he looked very confused.

"Well then they'd be dead...right?"

"Well, um no, because doctors do it with special tools." Oh my GAWD. I NEED TO SHUT UP!


Looking at my child's face twisted in a look of utter horror I mentally slapped myself, took a deep breath, and mustered up some maturity.

"But they only have to do that sometimes. It's like surgery. The way babies are born usually is through the...through the...ahem...vagina. Down there. They come out down there."

By this time Sassy Girl has sauntered out into the living room and appears to be thoroughly enjoying my blatant discomfort.

You have to realize my entire life growing up was pretty darn modest. We had "bottoms" "behinds" and "pee pees." The "V" and the "P" words were nonexistent in my home. Silly really. I don't have any issues with talking about knee caps or spleens...

"So...they come out down there?? A baby comes out where you go potty?? No way. That would hurt."

NO EFFIN DUH!!! 


"And what if you had to go potty...the baby would fall in the toilet."   Sigh. Now they are giggling. 


I respond with: "Yes it hurts, but it is worth it because I love you both so much."  

And then I see that both of them are connecting the dots that both of them were once in my tummy and both of THEM at one point needed to come out via the "V"   My turn to silently giggle.


Phew. Awkward conversation over. Then I hear out of Little Dude, "So when is that baby gonna come out of your tummy?"

"Oh honey, I don't have a baby in my tummy right now."

"Then why does it look so big? I think it's a baby."    Grumble/Scowl/Die-a-little-inside

Damn you Oreos. Damn you to hell. And no dessert for you either Little Dude.