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Monday, November 12, 2012

"I work out!" (You know the song...)

Well, it's a little late in the game for New Year's resolutions. Screw it. Maybe I'm just proactive in my resolution for next year. The fact of the matter is I decided today I need to start working out again.

Perhaps it was the image of the hippopotamus in an oversized spaghetti sauced stained sweatshirt that breezed past a poorly located hallway mirror that did me in.

Stop. Back up. Good golly. Who ARE you?

That's IT! Hippo no more. Time to think big and make mediocre attempts towards success.

Feeling inspired by my desire to rid of the hideousness, I decide I am going to bring the sexy back. Via clearanced  at home workout videos from my dusty home library. OH YEAH. 

I'm already feeling like I have a head start, seeing as though I didn't even finish my lunch. Truth time. Not because I wasn't starving. Because I found a freaking bone in my tuna sandwich, spit it all out, and gagged to the point of teary eyes. Disgusting. But weight loss friendly. 

I ask Little Dude if he wants to work out with mommy. He's all for it. Sweet. Let's do this.

First things first. Gotta look the part. I dive into the depths of my dresser drawer and resurrect some spandex attire.

I squeeze into my attire. I realize at this very moment that the reason exercise attire is made out of spandex is because you look at yourself busting out of it and see that you have no choice BUT to exercise.

I'm ready to go. Pop in the DVD called, "Cardio Dance Express".

It starts up and I'm half getting the routine down. Okay. Not even half. But ALMOST getting it. Not even close...

I realize the shades are up in my living room. PAUSE. Close all shades. No one I live near needs to see this business. Spandex is enough. Uncoordinated movements creating sweat? I wish that visual on no one.

Start the DVD back up again. I'm diving into the dance routine all clumsy like. I'm getting angry that the instructor is going too fast for my incompetent brain. I raise my arms and hit the ceiling fan above me. The dog thinks I am initiating some playful man's best friend action. He starts barking and circling me inviting me to play. No idiot. I'm feelin' the burn. GO AWAY. Little Dude rapidly gets bored with watching mommy pump up the jam, and he grabs a flashlight and starts shining it in my eyes.

Seriously? This is what a true-life-mom-at-home-workout looks like. Not sexy. Painful spandex. Uncoordinated. Dog-Child-Ceiling-Fan interferences.

I have to stop half way through because Little Dude has a tummy ache and doesn't quite make it to the bathroom. I assist him and 30 minutes later my heart rate is down and I half ass attempt to start the work out again.

My heart just isn't in it now. I'm getting irritated at the skinny cheerful instructor that tells me the Mambo is super easy and that I will be strutting my skinny self on the dance floor before I know it.

Screw you lady. I just cleaned up crap. While you're "Mamboing" your skinny butt all over the place, I'm making Spaghettios and wiping butts. Let's stick to baby steps, shall we?

I get through 20 more minutes miraculously and then decide I need to quit. Why?

A) I'm red faced, out of breath, and the spandex is starting to chafe my skin.

B) The dog won't give up this idea that my uncoordinated movements mean I want to engage in a dog/owner play session.

C) Little Dude is providing unsupportive commentary on my less than awesome performance. "Mom, you're not doing it right..."

Whatever. I did enough.

We will see how I feel tomorrow. Hopefully I'll get back on the horse and give it another try. However these "at home workout videos" were not made to cater to mothers with children, dogs, and a living room arrangement with ceiling fans directly above them. So, I call handicap. I should automatically just get 5 lbs taken off.

Maybe I could tap into this market. Workout really intense for 5 minutes then stop the tape to allow any interruptions that need to be taken care of. Welcome back! Undoubtedly you were dealing with crap, sibling rivalry, or a burning dinner item. Let's get back to getting "Un-Fat". 

Oh well. I am giving it a go. Ultimately, the experience pretty much sucked, though.

Here's my reaction, just after shutting off the video:


  1. Hang in there Leia it gets better. I am jogging most afternoons with my husband and it is the longest I have ever stuck to exercise. I hate it and love it all at the same time ha ha.

    1. I applaud your jogging routine!! I despise running of any kind unless it's for my life, ha!

  2. LOL, love it! I decided that it was finally time to lose the extra 40 lbs of weight that I have on me, so I started weight watchers and I've done okay… but, I seriously need to exercise. Girl, let me tell you though, I know all of the excuses in the book and I use every last one of them! Lol Good luck on rebooting!

    1. Thanks Carmen! I know some people that have had awesome success with weight watchers. Good luck!! Ugh. Why can't fat be trendy and healthy? It'd be so much easier. :)

    2. Right?!? Marilyn Monroe was hot and she wasn't a stick! Why can't we be? Lol ;o)

  3. Very funny Leia! Join the Y and read a book on the stationary bike while Little Dude has some fun play time. I just rejoined my old gym and if feels like a mini-vacation every time I go. :-)
    Kristen N.

    1. Ha! Thanks Kristen! I might have to...cuz this just ain't workin'!!!