Growly McGrowlerson - Weird Things Our Bodies Do To Embarrass Us...

I have this awesome cough right now that makes me sound like a wrinkled up smoking bar fly. It's pretty gross, I'm not going to lie. Other than the cough and feeling a bit run down, I'm fine. So hi ho hi ho it's off to work I go. Mamma needs a new pair of shoes, but should probably just pay the electric bill...

Part of my job is answering the phone. Which means I need to carry on a full conversation without sounding like I'm minutes from death.

Fail.

I received a phone call at work from a company that wanted to talk to us about ad space. It didn't come off as a hum drum run of the mill telemarketing call. "Is *turns business name into a personal name* home?" So I decided to stay on the line. I ask her for more information...and then it happens. I feel the tickle in my throat. We've all been there. At church. A funeral. A wedding. A presentation. Anywhere you are supposed to be quiet. Crap. It's coming. I might commit murder for a lozenge at this point...

I let out a little cough and a "Pardon me." But my body goes. Oh heck no. We're not done yet. Silly girl.

Now comes that critical point where you either let it all out or you do the dumb thing and try to stifle the inevitable.

I did the dumb thing.

The lady is going on with her spiel and I'm making throat clearing noises and guzzling my coffee (probably the only time I've ever "guzzled" coffee) to try and suppress the avalanche of what was coming.

It doesn't take long and I am coughing. Never try to stifle. It comes out like tuberculosis mated with bronchitis and that is just not cool. Trying to utter apologies between breaths. The thing is...she just kept going. I'm trying to act like I'm listening and not, oh I don't know, DYING...and she just ignores the fact that she is talking to a plague ridden monster.

I managed to squeak out, "Do you have a website?" before the raging coughing starts up again. This is horrible. She gives me the website, but since I can't breathe, I scribble half of it down. Screw it. Google should direct me with half the info, right?

I'm trying to get off the phone, so I can escape somewhere private and finish what my lungs seem to think I need to do...AND SHE KEEPS TALKING!! Lady, I'm going to pass out or throw up. Please for the LOVE OF GAWD release me from your sales call.

Since I didn't learn the first time, I'm trying to stifle the rest of the coughs that NEED to come out. My co worker comes into my office, undoubtedly after hearing the miserable exchange I was having, and looks at my red, twisted, teary eyed face...and laughs. NOT FUNNY. Kind of. BUT NOT THEN IT WASN'T. He turns around chuckling. AGAIN. NOT FUNNY.

Finally, I get off the phone with a phone number I *think* is right, half of a website on a Post It note and a first impression that our business employs extras from "Ma's Roadhouse."

After running to the sink and downing water like I was stuck in the desert for days, I did recover.

Man.

This got me thinking about all of the times that your body does inappropriate things when you are supposed to be quiet or engaged.

I remember one presentation I went to. It was an hour away and I didn't have anything in my stomach but coffee.

Thirty minutes into the presentation my stomach let out a little "Grrowl."

Oh my. What was that?

5 minutes later another growl that had turned into a menacing howl. FEED ME NOW!!!

Sometimes you can't even believe that the noises you are making are even possible.

Now my stomach probably growls like this all the time, but I just don't notice it when I am not in a quiet setting. When you are in a quiet setting a tiny growl sounds like a building fell down. I'm sure my stomach whines all of the time because for some reason breakfast isn't something I care to partake in. CoffeeCoffeeCoffee!!!

Now I'm fully aware of the power my stomach possess. I feel another growl coming and I clutch my stomach in a firm grasp to show it who's boss.

I'm not even paying attention to the presentation. I'm inside my head locked in a battle between my body and the prospect of calling embarrassing attention to myself. "Who's that girl in the second row? Oh, don't mind her. That's just Growly McGrowlerson." 

A lady across the room started eating a banana. I hated her. If only I could have one BITE I could stop the war inside my belly.

I learned my lesson that day. Any presentation/class I had in the morning I made darn sure I had something in my gullet. Because no one needs stomach growling anxiety.

Our bodies our weird.